May 17, 2006
the concurrent opinion
well, my job is knocking me closer to the first on death's to-do list every day I work. On the bright side, being paid 9.50 is alot better than being paid 6.90, esppecially since i'm already working on the manager level... they have it so much easier when I'm there... I'm a cook for a corporate pizza place (rhymes the jabba the hutt) and man do I have an ego. But lately I've been sla-ha-cking. well, when it comes to cook duties that is. I'm ready to go to the management level so I can just delgate and handle situations. And not clean!
well, I was quite frightened last Sunday. I have been trying to not realize this for quite some time, although to some degree I have accepted it. My mother is still a child. Atleast when it comes to men, she is. Or atleast when it comes to relationships with them it is. (But this is not to say that I am not a child; I mean, I lose my debit card and my IDs tous les temps/all the time) My father is an abusive man. I no longer see him. (though i want to 'cause he shimmied his way out of the divorce agreement saying he'd pay for my college. fook!) My step-father has become abusive, but he still lives with us. It takes alot of torment and torture on my mother's part to give up a man, but I say fook that! drop the bitch like he's a sack of dead bodies you can't ransom!
I started working as many hours initially so that I could boot him out of the house, and doubt not that I still intend to, but I have yet to do it. He is a diabetic that does not take care of himself. On top of that he has a temper (he's a leo). He has backed my mother into a corner threateningly; smashed an insulin bottle, accidentally making the glass shards fling into my mom's eyes; he's kidnapped my sister (in my eyes) twice; and repeatedly has no sense of logic about him. He is my mother's whipping boy, errand boy, and bread maker. Although my grandmother has bought the house and pays the car bills, we still have bills. groceries, meds for my manic depressive, pain-debilitated mother, 2 diabetics, and a my manic depression. (fuck anyone who says it's all in the head. you give me a half hour and I'll convert you, ya sick fuck. although with some/most cases the doctors are just farming out the drugs to those that just need therapy, in my case it seriously is biochemical.)
So yes, my mother has given Michael his 'carte blanche' slip so he can try to fix himself, but he's stopped therapy and anger management and still isn't taking care of his blood sugars. I give him no respect because he has lost his worth. A drone is not a figurehead, only spindled into my mother's loom. My mother most definitely needs therapy, but let's get this guy first. SHe's controlling as all hell and a manic nightmare, but she hides behind michael and her illnesses. I believe that she will get healthier when she accpets our current status and moves on. That's totally not going to happen without all hell breaking loose first. Which it did, believe me, it did; but then she just went right back to: we'll be ok. fu-hu-hu-hu-hu-ck. that. One blemish on his part and I will have the cops on his ass and him out of my house. My grandmother's house. She agrees, and is infuriated.
I thought my grandmother was being cruel to my mother, but now I think it's more that my mother is resisting change and blaming my grandmother for verbally abusing her instead of accepting the situation and working with it.
The problem is not Michael, my step-father. The problem is my mother. How do I solve this? My sisters are suffering for her cowardice. This is unacceptable.
Am I all talk and no walk as well? I hope not, but it seems everytime I get a chance to talk to my mother, I shirk away from it. I could give the semi-valid explanations, but really, I think I hault because I am afraid that my voiced opinion will gain us nothing. that it will be more talk, constructing, but no follow-through. I need a therapist's help to persuade my mother that she is above her illnesses that she so fervently hides behind. I am my mother's confidant, and thus she listens to my advice, but she has never followed through on self-help advice.
Like my brother, I wonder if moving out will help her realization, but I cannot leave my sisters as he did. I am more tolerant than that. Though I am growing less so every day.
On the lighter side: I have learned spanish, so I now know three languages. I am currently, on top of work, school, sleep, and worries, trying to perfect my use of the languages. Mastery of the spanish language is necessary for me since I want to work in South America, but I still haven't found it imperative that I bloat myself with the language. Right now I just want to get over these stresses. I can't escape them with daydreams and fictional stories any longer. My mind won't cooperate.
madfuzzyme at 11:52 p.m.